We Don't Have Mentors, and We're Suffering
Filling vacant chairs at our long green tables.
Learning about Wisdom led me to a Navy SEAL.
This year, I’ve read Stoics like Marcus Aurelius, delved into the ancient teachings of Socrates, the Buddha, and Lao Tzu, explored the lives of Benjamin Franklin and Viktor Fankl, and even read some of the most popular self-help gurus on the New York Times Best Seller List. Even when I’ve disagreed with some ideas (and I tend to disagree a lot), I’ve learned something about Wisdom from all of these texts. Of course, the Wisdom Literature of the Old Testament and the words of Jesus take precedence. But, as the great Justin Martyr wrote, “Whatever things were rightly said among all men, are the property of us Christians.” All truth is God’s truth.
At some point, I picked up a delightful little book called The Wisdom of the Bullfrog by retired United States Navy four-star admiral William H. McRaven. For years, McRaven was dubbed “The Bullfrog” because he was the longest active U.S. Navy SEAL.
The Wisdom of the Bullfrog contains some real nuggets of leadership wisdom, but my favorite concept is what McRaven calls “The Long Green Table.” Here’s how he describes it:
Whenever I had a difficult decision to make, I would ask myself, "Can you stand before the long green table?" Since WWII, the conference tables used in military boardrooms had been constructed of long, narrow pieces of furniture covered in green felt. Whenever a formal proceeding took place that required multiple officers to adjudicate an issue, the officers would gather around the table. The point of the saying was simple. If you couldn't make a good case to the officers sitting around the long green table, then you should reconsider your actions. Every time I was about to make an important decision, I asked myself, "Can I stand before the long green table and be satisfied that I took all the right actions?"1
In other words, we must learn to get outside of ourselves if we want to make good decisions. We all need wise people who will guide, direct, and motivate us—even when they’re not physically present. To take McRaven’s point further, not only do we need people we mentally envision in our minds when making big decisions, but we also need people who will sit at the tables of our lives, mentoring us and giving us advice before we face big decisions.
I’m convinced that most people don’t have anyone sitting at their long green table. We don’t have any older, wiser friends and family members we can go to for life advice.
We’re in what Alan Noble calls a “mentorship drought.” He writes:
Young people have an entire Internet filled with people telling them how to live the most efficient, optimized life possible, but they don’t have people in their lives giving them practical counsel on how to honor God with their lives.
I’ve been talking about this as strictly a problem for the current generation, Gen Z, but really it’s a much broader problem. Millennials and Gen Xers need mentorship, too. They may have managed to get a good job and get married, but they need older people to turn to for career advice, advice on how to parent and how to stay married. They need wise counselors.
Sadly, there are young parents who get parenting advice from social media influencers who still have children in diapers, ignoring grandparents with decades of experience. At work, I throw out any business book written by someone who hasn’t actually built a thriving, healthy organization. Too many “consultants” haven’t practiced what they’ve preached. Don’t receive instruction from people who talk well, but don’t have the results to back up their words.
Parents, get advice from individuals who have raised mature, healthy, adult children.
Young couples, get advice from people celebrating 30+ years of marriage.
Get advice on friendship from people who don’t just have long friendships, but from people who have long, healthy friendships where they talk through their disagreements and aren’t afraid to speak the truth to each other.
Who sits at your long green table? Who do you go to for advice when you’re shopping houses, navigating a disagreement in your marriage, or considering confronting a friend? Make a list of mentors. And commit to humbly listening to their advice.
As much as we like to think we listen to Wisdom, most of us don't. I know very few people who have broken up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend because a mentor told them the relationship was rotten. They usually just ignore the advice and find someone who will tell them what they want to hear (even if it’s the four-time divorcee they met on Fortnite).
Here are some tips for filing seats at your long green table:
Find godly mentors older than you: If everyone sitting at your table is a peer, you’re doing it wrong. Find people you’d like to be like when you get older.
Find in-person mentors: We’re made for face-to-face living. It’s easy to hide certain details of your life from people who don’t hang out with you on a regular basis.
Find mentors who will give you more than career direction: you need discipleship and life-advice.
Don't just ask for advice from people you know will give you the answer that you want: You may not want to ask your Dave Ramsey-obsessing mentor if getting a $75,000 car loan is a wise choice, but they’re probably the one you should ask.
Be open to rebuke: My family uses the phrase “Butt Hurt” pretty often. I don’t think I need to explain further except to say don’t get “Butt Hurt” when a mentor points out a weakness in your behavior or character. Listen and learn.
I write this with what seems like a great deal of confidence, but I need to arrange the seats at my long green table, too. I know who fills a few of the seats, but not each one. My Dad isn’t alive anymore, but I knew him well enough that I can often I envision what he’d say in a given situation. My mom, father-in-law, and mother-in-law certainly sit at the table. But I need more mentors. Some of the seats have been vacated over the last year or so, and I need to refill them. I plan to be a little more direct the rest of the year. Most wise people won’t ask to be your mentor, but they’re exactly the one’s you want to be your mentor.
Fill your long green table as soon as possible, and make a conscious effort to study the Bible, pray, and talk about life together on a recurring basis.
William H. McRaven, The Wisdom of the Bullfrog: Leadership Made Simple (But Not Easy) (New York: Grand Central Publishing, 2023), xv.
I think of relationship and how important relationships are in our lives. Through relationships, we can lift each other up.